A Glimpse Inside

A friend of mine sent me this message as we were discussing mental health one evening. I thought it was profound and carried many similarities to my own mind. I hope you learn from their beautiful words as much as I did.

As I lay here awake at 2 am with a weird neck pain – convinced it’s a blood clot that will more than likely travel to my brain during air travel today and kill me – I’m laughing to myself at how paranoid I am and becoming resolute with the fact that I probably shouldn’t put myself and my fragile sanity through 10 more days of this than is absolutely necessary. I’m gonna need to go with the sooner surgery.

Cool. Maybe I made a decision. I really don’t want to take the easy way out. I sorta pride myself in trying to always make the “right” choice no matter how difficult/stressful/unfun that choice may be.

I feel like waiting is the right choice. Maybe I’m not strong enough anymore to make the right choice. Maybe this time I need to make the easy choice.

I realize I’m irrational and paranoid and worry too much and just generally have a fucked up neurologic wiring to make most decisions based solely – if at all- on what I want to do. My instincts will forever guide me towards the safe choice, no matter the outcome.

I live in a constant state of fear of everything. It’s most definitely from being abandoned in childhood.

I’m so over the whole thing. Over it to the point I annoy myself even having to realize this fact.

Angry that things that happened so long ago that they feel like they are just distant memories – so distant that maybe it wasn’t even me that these things happened to?

In my mid 20s I could relive scenarios and feelings from 10, 15 years before so vividly like they had occurred the day before. Not so anymore, but the damage to my thought processes is done and apparently never going to repair.

While depression isn’t my issue (it’s most definitely 100% anxiety), I ultimately get overwhelmingly depressed at the thought that this all encompassing anxiety that crushes my soul spirituality and tries to lead me in the wrong direction at all times will be with me until the day I die.

That’s depressing. This monster will be with me to the end. It’s so exhausting to have to fight with it every single day.

I beg for mercy from the universe. Please, I’m fucking tired, you’ve won, I just want some space and relief from this thing.

Enter the bottle a couple times per week and I can usually breathe, gather myself together, and live to fight some more.

Like I said, when I think about how desperate it can get I seriously question why I haven’t ever considered the “ultimate escape”. I honestly haven’t and it’s really intriguing to me why that is.

There’s no way to answer that, but I do wonder. My best guess is that subconsciously for no good reason I feel like I deserve to suffer in this life. Probably from being made to feel like a burden as a child.

Oh god, enough of that. I’m rambling. I really annoy myself. I feel terrible for those around me. Sorry. I only hope that by reading this you feel less alone with your unique emotional burden.

Please allow me 1 more thought that also made me laugh – I gotta laugh at how crazy I am, it’s the only thing that gets me through.

I went straight from worrying about this weird neck pain/(in my mind) probable DVT to checking the radar across the entire lower 48 states trying to remember from my previous flights what exact flight path we had taken (because who doesn’t compulsively refresh the altitude and flight tracker app the entire flight…?) and whether I should worry about turbulence.

Because, you know, why wouldn’t I worry about something completely out of my control that may or may not happen 12 hours from now…?

Ahhhhh, it’s so exhausting. Like, I’m laying here thinking I should give the pilots my opinion on our course today- that’s crazy. Haha.

And that’s a small glimpse into the dark shameful corners of my mind. It’s a scary place.

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