I don’t want to live anymore.
But I don’t want to die either.
I want to drift in the middle. Suspended between the beginning and the end.
The numbness of this in-between is comforting. I feel impenetrable. Like nothing can harm my mental state.
It’s not a great mental state.
It’s not happy.
But it’s not sad.
At this point in the game, I’m not trying to find happiness.
I’m trying to get back to feeling numb.
No more constant wonder about what’s going to go wrong while trying to repair the previous setback.
No more feeling void of purpose.
No more wanting to lie in bed for hours.
I wouldn’t wish this misery upon anyone.