Things are getting brighter. I think there’s a light at the end of this long tunnel. I’m still miserable. I still have moments where I don’t want to be alive. But there’s more time in between those moments.
What used to be an hourly thought has morphed into a every couple of days thought.
So that’s nice. It shows that I’m making progress.
But it’s also scary.
Terrifying if I’m being honest.
The one thing that is nice about depression, if anything can be said to be nice about it, is that you become acustomed to feeling basically the same way every day. Your feeling of emptiness becomes the norm. And while that feeling sucks. There is a comfort in the consistency.
But as I’ve gotten back up from rock bottom, there’s been more variation in my emotion again. So that’s an entirely new phenomenon to get used to.
Hell, I’ve experienced being in love lately. Deep in love. Love like I’ve never experienced before. I mean I want to marry this beautiful woman. So that’s created a new all time high of sorts emotions wise.
But in the same day that I have those thoughts and emotions running through my veins, I’ll also experience the desire to die.
And that variation is a new monster to tame. It burns. To feel so high and so low simultaneously is to feel human again. But it’s difficult, I’m not gonna lie.
Perhaps this is what life will be like from here on out.
Perhaps this is what living well aware of depression is like.
I fucking hope not.
But perhaps this will be my new norm…. Or at least is a taste of what my new norm will be.
It makes me want to become emotionless and self centered again. It was easier that way emotionally… But that’s also why I am where I am today, so I cannot do that. I won’t do that. I deserve better.
For now I’m just gonna focus on getting my life together and love. I’ve got so much love for her. I think it can go the distance if we work hard enough at it. If we’re willing to be in the work, we can have such a happy life together.
So there’s that. And god damn I’m so lucky to have that.
One day at a time.
One step at a time.
I’ll get better.
I’ll find myself.
And my purpose.