Depression Has Changed Dave Matthews for Me

If you know me, you’re probably aware that I love Dave Matthews Band. You could even say I’m obsessed.  I’ve been to 51 Dave Matthews shows.  I’ve seen them in 9 Countries, 11 States and 29 different venues.  But I don’t listen to much Dave Matthews anymore.  I Can’t.  I’m afraid to.  Depression and suicidal…

Chasing Happiness

In the time since I graduated from college in 2015, I’ve come to realize I have a bit of a tendency to force happiness. I throw money and experiences towards the pursuit of happiness. I’ve chased a prestigious Management Consulting career in hopes of finding happiness. But it hasn’t made me happy. And it’s taken…

For now, What if is Enough

Hey pretty lady in line at the Charlotte airport main concourse Starbucks. Hey gorgeous girl on the bar patio with your golden retriever. Hey graduate student at the bar ordering shots. Hey to the 100’s of others. For now, let’s leave it as an imaginary hey that I’m writing from 35,000 feet. When I saw…

35,000 ft Closer to Happiness

If you haven’t picked up on it, I fly a lot. Between work and pleasure, I’m addicted to traveling now. I took about 180 flights in 2018. I spent more time in a plane than I spent in a car. More time spent in plane and airports than my own bed. But I’ve never truly…

I Sat in the Rain Today

I sat in the rain today. I sat in the rain today and felt in the moment. I felt in the moment as my shirt and hair became saturated. My shirt and hair felt heavy as I embraced the sound of the moment. This moment made me discover a fundamental truth about my current predicament….

Depression Dreams

Dreams have always been interesting to me. They prompt so many questions: Where do they come from? What influences the content? Do they have meaning in our life?  But dreams during depression are different. Paradoxal. Day in, day out, the darkness from depression has me looking towards nightfall. But the anxiety of depression makes me…

Drifting In-between

I don’t want to live anymore. But I don’t want to die either. I want to drift in the middle. Suspended between the beginning and the end. The numbness of this in-between is comforting. I feel impenetrable. Like nothing can harm my mental state. It’s not a great mental state. It’s not happy. But it’s…

Drifting

I find comfort out here. Just drifting. With the engine off, floating alone. It’s in these moments I find the comfort suicidal ideation has me seeking. The comfort of disappearing. As long as I don’t look at my phone, I’m off the grid. Nothing to do. Nowhere I have to go. For some brief moments,…

The Beast is Back

The beast is back The more you see it, the easier you are for it to find It’s nothing and everything at the same time But it’s darkness, all darkness No one has seen it It’s inside It attempts to push out your insides Making room for its infinitely expanding self Will I survive it?…

The Beast Inside Me

There is a beast that follows me At times so small you can barely see At times so big it’s all I can see At light he gives me cease At night he steals peace Thoughts run wild and free The opposite of me Thoughts strangle and hold back I just wanna sit in the…