Depression Has Changed Dave Matthews for Me

If you know me, you’re probably aware that I love Dave Matthews Band. You could even say I’m obsessed.  I’ve been to 51 Dave Matthews shows.  I’ve seen them in 9 Countries, 11 States and 29 different venues.  But I don’t listen to much Dave Matthews anymore.  I Can’t.  I’m afraid to.  Depression and suicidal…

Reflections

Looking into the mirror is a weird thing. The other day I heard that our brains perceive ourselves as being 5 times more attractive in the mirror than we actually are. Fuck. That sucks. So I’m not really a soft 6 on a good day? Yikes. On a more serious note, depression has changed my…

Gorgeous Blondes

I love you. You’re absolutely stunning. But even if you were interested in me, it wouldn’t work. I’m wrong for you. Yeah. I said that right. The chubby guy with crooked teeth said he is wrong for you. I’ve dreamed about you. Daily. But I’m not even close to you now. Right now, you’re the…

Void of Purpose

I believe we all have a purpose in this world. No, not some god given purpose. I don’t believe in that sort of thing. I believe we all have the opportunity to seek purpose. To find something that intrinsically motivates us. Something that we would do for free if money was not a factor. Something…

Chasing Happiness

In the time since I graduated from college in 2015, I’ve come to realize I have a bit of a tendency to force happiness. I throw money and experiences towards the pursuit of happiness. I’ve chased a prestigious Management Consulting career in hopes of finding happiness. But it hasn’t made me happy. And it’s taken…

For now, What if is Enough

Hey pretty lady in line at the Charlotte airport main concourse Starbucks. Hey gorgeous girl on the bar patio with your golden retriever. Hey graduate student at the bar ordering shots. Hey to the 100’s of others. For now, let’s leave it as an imaginary hey that I’m writing from 35,000 feet. When I saw…

35,000 ft Closer to Happiness

If you haven’t picked up on it, I fly a lot. Between work and pleasure, I’m addicted to traveling now. I took about 180 flights in 2018. I spent more time in a plane than I spent in a car. More time spent in plane and airports than my own bed. But I’ve never truly…

I Sat in the Rain Today

I sat in the rain today. I sat in the rain today and felt in the moment. I felt in the moment as my shirt and hair became saturated. My shirt and hair felt heavy as I embraced the sound of the moment. This moment made me discover a fundamental truth about my current predicament….

Depression Dreams

Dreams have always been interesting to me. They prompt so many questions: Where do they come from? What influences the content? Do they have meaning in our life?  But dreams during depression are different. Paradoxal. Day in, day out, the darkness from depression has me looking towards nightfall. But the anxiety of depression makes me…

Drifting In-between

I don’t want to live anymore. But I don’t want to die either. I want to drift in the middle. Suspended between the beginning and the end. The numbness of this in-between is comforting. I feel impenetrable. Like nothing can harm my mental state. It’s not a great mental state. It’s not happy. But it’s…